The Devious Buffoonus
by RevDragon
Summary: Crakfic, parody of the Thievius Racoonus. It's the dummy's guide to thievery. Rated T for crude humor. Series of drabbles, oneshots. Updated! "Tanks" for reading!
1. Preface

**A/N: Crackfic for obvious reasons, this is not meant to make sense in anyway, and I'm welcome to *most* suggestions for me to write about, in this parody of the Thievius Raccoonus. Most entries/chapters will be very short 100-2K words depending on what I feel like.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Sly Cooper, his family heirloom and any other characters from the franchise, he belongs to Sucker Punch.**

The Devious Buffoonus: A Dummy's Guide to Thievery

Preface:

Thief, a well-known word in the world today,( if you're reading this, you are most likely a member of the long line of Coopers, if you're not, then you obviously shouldn't be reading it so get the heck out of the book nosy. Now then, let's focus our attention back to the thief.) We come from a long line of thieves, many of us are now passed on and are having fun trying to steal the granite tombstones by our graves, except for Slytopus, and he was buried at sea. The very first crime we ever committed was by Slystone, he stole candy from a baby (it was an evil little booger so don't judge). Ever since then, we have been taking what was rightfully ours back from the people who got their paws on it through devious means. Throughout the course of this book, we will be giving you all of our secret tips and tricks to help you, a future master thief, gain the skills necessary to becoming one. So, are you ready? Then we'll begin…

**A/N: Yeah yeah, short, told you so, it's the beginning, I'm going to add more entries and stuff once I get the time, so shoot me some ideas, but don't shoot me. Oh and there will be some characters appearing in this also; don't worry, our favorite ball of fur is going to have a role too.**


	2. Chapter one: Pushing Buttons part one

**A/N: I wrote most of this at like 11:34 in the evening, because that's when I got the idea fresh in my head. And by the way, when I put in parenthesis for something it's not author's notes, it is meant to be side notes in the book. Okay, here's chapter one, part one of the Devious Buffoonus, and I'd like to thank Vitia for the suggestion she gave to me, and Happy Feet Fan 24, for the reviews.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Sly Cooper franchise, it belongs to Sucker Punch, though I heard a different company was working on Sly 4, correct me if I'm wrong.**

**The Devious Buffoonus**

**Chapter One **

**Section one: Pushing Buttons (Sly)**

The very first thing every thief needs to know before going out in the field is how to push buttons. No, that's not a typo, you really need to learn this because if you don't, you're going to be stuck sitting there, with a dumb-founded look on your face much like you are right now. Besides, pushing someone's buttons is all part of the fun of being a thief, if you can't at least be a minor annoyance to people then what's the point? You're already stealing their cookies, see what I mean? Now, some other books may try to tell you that our controls are just a cheap rip-off of theirs, but that's not true, obviously if you believed them you'd be reading **their **book right?

Let's start off with our current master thief's controls, that's right, we're giving a few of the best buttons Sly Cooper has, that you can push. We must warn you though; he has some very interesting buttons that can be pushed.

The first button is his cane, if you push that one, you'll get your standard, but also humorous "old person" attack, otherwise known as: "Swinging the cane." This can be a most helpful button to push, because he is very obsessed with his cane, his "precious" family heirloom, and will do almost anything to retrieve it if it's lost or falls into the wrong hands. Also note that this button is shaped like a square, because that's exactly what you are if you don't use it, a square, so use it or lose it buddy.

Moving on to the second button (which quite possibly may be our favorite button to push, is the gadget button. This button lets you pull out a variety of suckers to let loose on unsuspecting criminals. Our favorites include: a whoopee cushion, because farts are one of the most useful distraction methods, not to mention they can put a guard to sleep in less than ten seconds (the real ones anyway); shadow power (do we even have to mention the places you can get into with that? I mean we know Sly must have used it to get into Carmelita's office and just eyeball her reports on him right? Nah, thieves have honor.); and last but certainly not least, disguises. With these babies, you can slip right past guards with style and ease (note: the presence of the word style does not guarantee you'll look good in those tights so don't get any ideas.) No one is smart enough to notice that you're a raccoon, or that you have the absolute worse fake accents in the universe, you're totally covered with that.

Our third button is the grapple/climb button, and ohohoho, until you've experienced the thrill of hopping onto a giant cop lady, who probably wants to squish you, eat you, arrest you, or maybe all three at the same time; you have not lived, so find yourself an enormously big momma and try it out, er rather don't it's also quite dangerous more likely to your health than ours, but what the heck, give it a shot.

Now the last button we will cover in this section for our favorite raccoon is the binocucom (yes it's the weirdest thing we've ever spelled, but it makes one heck of a stalker tool. Because you obviously won't be using this to scope out the land for the heist, no you have other more important things to do, like checking out that tres belle girl over there. Wait no, never mind this is thievery not matchmaking, you creepy stalker. You really shouldn't be doing that, we'll be covering a hippo, a turtle and a very hot fox in the next section, so you'll still have plenty to gawk about, well, about the fox that is.

**A/N: I really debated with myself on splitting this into two sections, but I feel like I needed to get something else up to keep people interested, plus I wanted extra time for the next part. The next entry of section one will be focused on Bentley, Murray, and Carmelita. Reviews/critiques/suggestions are welcome.**


	3. Chapter one: Pushing Buttons part two

**A/N: Da da da second part is up now, even more fun with button pushing. Also, expect a lot of caps in Murray's section Lol.**

**Disclaimer: Me: I can haz Sly Cooper? **

**Sucker Punch: :F**

**Me: Didn't think so –nervous laugh-**

**You get the drill, I don't own it. Sucker Punch does**

The Devious Buffoonus

Chapter One

Section Two

So, we've covered the raccoon, now let us journey into an adventure of science, madness, and electricity (it's electric mad science, every insane genius's dream.) The first specimen- ahem we mean subject we're going to cover in this section is the common turtle. Bentley the brains of the Cooper gang, and we can assure you, his buttons are just as fun to push if not more so than we've been letting on.

The first thing we'll be covering is yep you guessed it, another old man attack, except it's more sophisticated this time, we get to use a wheelchair. No seriously it's a wheelchair, and you spin it around, and it knocks people out (don't ask us how it just does, we write it, you read it, you listen). And don't try to tell us that if you had a wheelchair like that you wouldn't use it. Come on it even has an under-mounted afterburners (just keep **away **from those triple bean chili enchiladas) so you can fly around to your heart's content.

The second button, (oh geez if we're snickering at this it must be good,) is the "drop bomb  
>button (remember those enchiladas we told you about?) NO, no, no, never mind, forget that, let's not go there (you teenage kids today, goodness.) Okay, since we mentioned it, we should pick it up- er cover it up, forget that, it makes explosions, simple enough? Put it in someone's pocket and watch the fireworks happen.<p>

Okay, now that we've moved off **that **bombshell, (okay no more jokes about that we promise) we can cover Bentley's gadgets. We're sure you remember our previous section with the stalker tools (it was only like, last section) well our favorite from this guy hands down has to be this thing called "The Grapple Cam." Combine a camera, a gun, some horribly good fat/mom/ugly jokes, and you've got all the fun rolled into one. Stalking, action, and comedy at its best right there. Did we mention it grapples? That thing can stick to any surface anywhere. It's what everyone wants for Christmas.

The last thing we'll cover for him is the "Size Destabilizer" button. Have you ever wanted your own miniature evil bad guy, but your parents wouldn't let you get one because well, there were none, they're all huge, (which is why hitting those fat guys with a cane or a wheelchair is exactly **the best **thing you can do to take care of them) this little buddy will fix all that. All you have to do is walk up and hit them, and they shrink down to purse poodle size. It works on anyone, whatever fool decides to look down upon your genius; you can put them in their place.

Now we have the hippo- (wait pardon us, we must now refer to him as… "THE MURRAY," forgive us for our mistake). We'll finally get some big boy buttons right? Well we sure hope so, because even we can't take another "old man" attack (once was fun, but twice is a care home, and three times is ancient). Well thank God we won't have to, because the first button we'll be going over is fists, simple, gets the job done, and there isn't anything special about it either, just the fact that they can PUNCH THROUGH THREE FEET OF ICE. Talk about never needing an ice machine again, just say, "Hey yo' Murray we like need some cubes man," and he'd punch straight through it. Best. Thing. Ever.

Moving on to the "THUNDER FLOP," we really like this button, this can be used for making yummy bad guy pancakes (badcakes?) Squish anything and everything that gets in your way (well under you) and it doesn't matter what you flop on, it knows no friend or foe, it's the fat man's way of attacking his couch after a long day of doing nothing. It doesn't matter if you flop on concrete, fur, or furniture; it's going to crumble under your iron belly.

Third we have "THE BALL," and nobody dislikes the fun bounciness of it. It's almost like the thunder flop, except you can do it again, and again, and again, aaaaannnnd you get the picture. Life is like a giant pinball game, with "THE MURRAY" rolling around, but don't get in the way, otherwise you'll end up like that chicken that played tag with an eighteen wheeler: flat.

For our last one we'll cover on "THE MURRAY" we have, "STOMP" the best childhood temper tantrum throwing mom and dad raging people looking awkwardly at you, button (gee, kinda seems like we're regressing here, two old men and a child… OH WE KNOW—no no no we won't go there.) The basic idea of this is: you stomp on something, you pick it up, you throw it, any three year old knows how to do that, and God knows you've thrown a tantrum at some time in your life so don't lie to us now.

Okay, so you've survived the mad scientist, the raging child-er "THE MURRAY", but can you handle, "The Shock?" (We're sorry okay we can't help but be like this it's our nature.) Carmelita Montoya Fox…ooh la la, just say that name three times slowly. Recall the big momma; yup that's her all right. This crazy cop lady totes three simple things (not including her looks, now stop drooling you naughty child you) that we're going to cover in just a second.

The first button we have is the trusty shock pistol. This has been used to fry thieves for years (you'd think she'd use it for something useful like eggs or chicken, but nooo, she wants to fry raccoons, and they don't taste half as good) so it's quite simple, anything you don't like plus the shock pistol equals instant-stir fry.

Next up we have something fun we'd like to call, "The Mega Jump" keep in mind when using this gravity really only applies over water, when you're on a blimp, ship, island, (it's a complicated list) but basically you don't have to worry how high you jump, it's not like you'll break your legs and go splat when you hit the ground or anything. It's perfectly safe.

Next up (for kicks-okay okay shutting up now) we have the close quarters combat female weapon of choice: kicks. These probably wouldn't hurt so bad if she wasn't wearing those size 32 boots (okay we exaggerate, but have you ever gotten kicked by her? Ouch.) When you're having a horrible off day with your aim, you can always trust your legs to give some poor unsuspecting fool a blow to the unmentionable area. It works; trust us it's happened before.

Last thing we want to give you is a secret technique only the best master thieves know. You see, we already know you won't take the time to memorize all these complicated buttons and controls, so we've given you a trump card, an easy do everything button. That's right, all you have to do in order to **not **do anything, is drink lemonade, that's right every single button can be used to make you drink lemonade, and if you drink it fast enough, you might actually believe we're going somewhere with this, so button mash as fast as you can, and pour us a glass too while you're at it.

**A/N: Lol I realized I made a plot hole in not referencing back to "THE MURRAY" a few more times, and I added a section I wanted to include, but forgot due to time constraints on the laptop. Next chapter we'll be covering the classic pair of cops and robbers, a few pirate ships, some biplanes, and who knows what else, so please, read, laugh, and review. :3**


	4. Chapter Two: Cops and Robbers

**A/N: Valentine's Day special! I must say, I'm really enjoying writing this story thus far, but one thing I noticed is that while I have several different visitors and over 300 hits (small in comparison to other stories, but that's a lot for me) I have only two different reviewers –head scratch- I don't think my anonymous reviews are turned off or anything, so come on, tell me what you think, even if you dislike it for some reason. Oh, and if you have some funny jokes you think I could write into the story feel free to pm me them, and if they're good I'll try to find a way to get it in, and I'll mention your name in the next chapter. Also, I know I said I would cover some pirate ships and biplanes, buuuut I ran out of time, so that will come up in the next section I promise.**

**Disclaimer: By now you should know I don't own the Sly Cooper franchise, if you don't know; well you're just a bit slow. Also the pick-up lines that appear in the story come courtesy of top ten pick-up lines, and lines that are good. Of course you're familiar with a lot of them, but I wanted to spice things up a bit.**

**The Devious Buffoonus**

**Chapter Two: Cops and Robbers**

Ah, the classic pair of cops and robbers, going at it since the first crime was committed. They go together like peanut butter and jelly, but they clash like anchovies and ice cream. If you plan on becoming a master thief you should obviously be aware about the two, though we're quite sure you know about the thief already. So we'll cover him really quick, and move on to the real object of the lesson for this chapter.

The thief is a clever fellow, always thinking, cunning, devious even. His own basic mindset is this: I see it, I like it, I take it, and I hope I don't get caught in the process. There are other philosophies also, like: finders keepers, losers weepers; or all the money in the world is mine, the people are just holding it for me; but those filter out to other criminal types also.

Now we have the police, the fuz, the boys in blue, the politzia, the coppers, the man. There are several different archetypes these cops can fall into, and we will cover four of them. Let's have a look-see.

Type One: The Good Cop

These cops are usually found in conjunction with "The Bad Cop" (we call this split personality), but occasionally you'll find them alone. This guy (or girl) will try to make you feel like it's okay to cooperate. He'll be as patient with you as possible until he makes you feel so bad for breaking the law you just have to admit to everything you did. DO NOT; we repeat, DO NOT fall for this tactic, especially for you guys when it's a lady cop, or girls when vice versa. Many a good thief has been suckered in with promises of lollipops and cookies, if they'd just return what they'd stolen or admit to a crime they committed. We've been there and we promise you, the cookies are crap.

Type Two: The Bad Cop

Also found in conjunction with "The Good Cop" (see above); have you ever met an angry person? Sure you have, but have you ever met someone so angry at the world that they make you want to wet your pants? (We hope not, but bring spare undergarments just in case.) This guy will make you hurt bad. He'll insult you so bad up and down the line that Slytankhamen would roll over in his grave (and he's a mummy). The key to this guy is not to let him faze you. Even if he threatens you with the horrors of listening to Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber nonstop for 24 hours, YOU MUST STAY STRONG. Even if he forces you to watch the Twilight movies, just think happy thoughts like: Unicorns eat rainbows and poop Skittles or something like that. You'll get through it.

Type Three: The Lazy, Good For Nothing Cop

Honestly we love this guy. He's your stereotypical average, run of the mill, donut loving, coffee guzzling cop. The only danger he really poses to you is when you least expect it. You could be running in an alley way and find him sleeping in a garbage can. Next thing you know, you're being carted off to jail, and he gets a medal. A good tactic is always the "donut on a fishing rod trick," works every time.

Type Four: The Female Cop

Perhaps the most dangerous out of the four, this femme fatale can distract you with her looks, and if you're too busy flirting with her, hopefully you won't mind an engagement ring around your wrist instead of your finger. Guys, as long as you keep your head clear, you can avoid the embarrassment of being slammed on a car like a hood ornament, and instead be looting some jewelry store. Keep in mind though, the female cop can fit into almost all archetypes, she's not just a separate breed.

Now, we know you're probably crying your eyes out while reading this, because no one wants to spend a night in the slammer on Valentine's Day. So we've come up with a good list of ways to get away from cops. And it's actually quite short and easy to remember.

Number One: RUN LIKE HECK!

Duh, running is the oldest form of self-defense known to man. Don't believe any of that kung fu crap, it's hogwash. Run like the wind, run like your life depends on it (note: we're pretty dang sure if you've got a shock pistol loving vixen on your tail it does), Run Forest run!- er we mean um, you get the picture, move them legs folks, it's the best choice you've got.

Number Two: Donut Distraction

We've already mentioned this, but our point? Cops. Love. Donuts. It works like a dog and a bone, a cat and a ball of yarn, a monkey and a piece of- well uh you know. But seriously just try tossing a donut in a well nearby a bunch of coppers and see what they do. We guarantee they'll get stuck at the entrance trying to get that delicious piece of fried goodness.

Number Three: Flirtation

This is for the cops that fall under the female archetype. Guys, occasionally, sometimes you could be able to sweep a lady cop off her feet with a well-placed compliment. When they're distracted by their burning love for you, that's when you resort back to number one. Love em and leave em. We know it breaks your tiny little heart (we'd love to see what it's like getting married in an eight by eight cell also), but your freedom comes first. To better show what we're talking about here, we've actually gotten an example story for you, involving our friend Sly Cooper. He read our book on the absolute **best** pick-up lines to use for cops, and he just so happened to try it out one night. Be sure to send him some responses and thank you's, since he sent us feedback.

_Sly slowly pulled the police hat over his head in order to disguise himself from the real cops. He wore a full uniform that he and the gang "borrowed" from another off duty cop. Today was Valentine's Day, well more Valentine's Night, but he wanted to show up and give Carmelita a little surprise. He was armed with a rose in one hand, and a heart shaped box of chocolates in the other. It was a classic set up; he stood outside the building where Carmelita's office was located, ready to go. "Sly are you ready?" asked the ever so nasally voice of Bentley._

"_Ready as I'll ever be pal," Sly whispered into the com-link in his ear. He walked into the building and quickly located the elevator on his right. After pushing the button and waiting for the door to open, he quickly checked the small list of words and phrases he had to say to Carmelita. It was a short ride up to the floor where the office was, and he wasted little time getting to her door and knocking on it._

"_Come in," said the beautiful voice of the vixen. Sly opened the door and sauntered in to see a surprised Carmelita sitting at the desk staring at him. Not wanting to have an awkward silence for too long, he quickly said, "Girl, if you catch me breaking into your house, it's revenge for stealing my heart."_

"_Excuse me? Who are you and what are you doing in my office?" Carmelita stood up._

"_Uh I'm the new, recruit," Sly thought of a name, "Cupid."_

"_Well, Cupid, is there anything you want to tell me?" Carmelita placed her hands on her hips._

"_Yes, I wish to report a robbery." Sly replied._

"_Finally we're getting somewhere," thought Carmelita._

"_You've stolen my heart," Sly smiled and handed her the rose he was carrying, "I wanted to show this rose how beautiful you are."_

_Carmelita's mouth dropped open._

"_Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day," Sly just kept going._

"_But I don't even know you!" Carmelita was starting to get angry._

"_That's okay, we can get to know each other, on a rooftop balcony in Paris," Sly said dreamily._

"_This is Paris you, moron," Carmelita said, frustrated._

"_You know this chocolate is sweet," he handed her the box of chocolates, "But not as sweet as it would be if you gave me a kiss."_

_That was it; she slapped him across the face, knocking the hat off to reveal his true face (_not like we didn't know it was him already). _It took her just a second before her confusion grew to anger, then rage._

"_COOOOOPEEEEERRRRR!" She reached for the shock pistol lying on the desk as Sly jumped out the window and climbed down the fire escape, still spouting off lines._

"_Your daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!"_

_ZAP!_

"_It's raccoon season now, ringtail!" she fired at him._

"_If you were a booger, I'd pick you!" Sly quipped._

_POW!_

"_That doesn't even make sense you idiot!"_

"_Did you fart? Because you just blew me awaaaaYEEEOOW!"_

_That shot connected with his tail, as he finally reached the alley where the Cooper Van was waiting to pick him up. As he jumped in the back and the van sped off, he could still hear Carmelita shouting death threats at him, his ancestors, and his future descendants. Bentley then leaned over and asked him, "So, would you consider that a success?"_

"_Aside from getting shot in the tail, I got to annoy the cop lady of my dreams. I'd consider this the most fun Valentine's day I've had in a while." Sly smiled and fainted in the back of the van from exhaustion, while Bentley rolled his eyes._

Well, we hope that clarifies things for you, if you would like to know, we have a Valentine's Day special on how to be a romantic thief coming out. We wrote the book on romance.

**A/N: Whew, finally that's done. Hope you guys enjoyed it. There's was so much cheesiness there I could have covered a hundred Ritz crackers with it. Anyway read, laugh, and review (seriously please, it motivates me to update this one, and if I'm not getting reviews, I'm not sensing that I'm funny or entertaining, so it makes me get discouraged )**


	5. Chapter Three: Tanks for Asking pt1?

**A/N: I love the vehicle sessions in the games don't you? Well aside from those annoying sequences with that RC chopper, that was a pain in the tail. Tell me how you guys liked that Sly Cooper segment I threw in there. They'll definitely be appearing in more oneshots as I get motivated. *hint hint* Be specific in your reviews, tell me what jokes, gags, and sarcasm you liked. I'll explain why I want to hear all this in the end of the chapter. **

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Must I say it?**

**Sucker Punch: Yes! or get sucker-punched**

**Me: Fein, I don't own Sly Cooper Franchise – they do. Also made a reference to a movie/skit in this one, I don't own that either.**

* * *

><p>Have you ever been running around being a thief and enjoying the heist, then ended up in a police chase that lasted for quite a long time? Running away from police officers was one of the main things we covered last chapter, but there's even more stylish ways to get away from the blue monsters. Not to mention they can be used to perform a variety of other jobs also.<p>

A major mode of transportation we love to use is called the tank- duh who doesn't love a tank? In fact, we don't even have to give you all the precious details of it, though it is fun for making "blue" berry pancakes, if you know what we mean. Instead we're going to let "THE MURRAY" show you how it's done.

* * *

><p><em>It was Prague- no it was dark. "THE MURRAY" was going to get the Clockwerk eyes from Carmelita. The hippo hopped into the tank and pulled the lid shut. He cracked his knuckles and began the process of starting the massive vehicle. Luckily Bentley had explained to him- very slowly, how to get the thing running anyway. <em>

_The engine roared to life, and he drove it out of the small garage they had been storing it in. The two guards who had been sleeping in front of it, dove out of the way yelling angrily._

"_Murray, you have to stop Carmelita from getting away with the Clockwerk eyes!" Bentley yelled over the com._

"_THE MURRAY acknowledges!" Murray turned onto one of the many streets surrounding the Contessa's fortress and began his pursuit of Carmelita, who was also in a tank. _

_Thankfully she was not skilled at all in driving a tank, and he caught up quickly. He began firing at the back in order to slow her down._

_Suddenly he heard a huge rumble coming from inside his tank. So loud in fact, that Bentley heard it over their com-link._

"_Murray what was that, is something wrong with your engine?" Bentley sounded worried._

"_THE MURRAY hungers for justice! Literally!" The hippo clutched his stomach with one hand, while gripping the controls with his other, "I haven't eaten since before you explained the operation."_

_There was silence over Bentley's mic for a second before a yell of frustration exploded in Murray's ears. "I told you we should have eaten before- oh- just- AUGH!"_

"_Buddy calm down," Sly's voice joined in the conversation, "Carmelita's not going anywhere anytime soon, and I remember seeing some sort of restaurant around here somewhere, probably close to the water. Just as soon as Murray refills, he can catch up to Carmelita."_

"_Fine, just hurry up!" Bentley sounded flustered._

"_Hey, Bentley," said Murray._

"_What!"_

"_Do you want me to bring you a waffle?" Murray asked, as he turned the tank down a separate street heading off to one of the Contessa's private restaraunts._

_The sound of a mic being thrown on the ground and a bomb exploding was the last thing Murray heard before static took over for Bentley's comlink._

'_I guess he doesn't like waffles,' Murray shrugged and pulled into the restaurant's drive thru. It was kind of tough to do with the tank being huge, but he managed to pull in without destroying everything, with the exception of the 8'0 clearance pole. _

_The restaurant 'The Spider's Web, was aptly named. It was covered in cobwebs and gothic décor on the outside. As soon as Murray pulled close to the speaker, a rather lazy sounding voice said, "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the good burger may I-"_

"_Hey spitwad this isn't Good Burger!" another voice was heard over the speaker._

"_Oho, my bad, sorry dude. Welcome to Spider's Web, home of the uh- corn on the cobweb. May I take your order?"_

"_THE MURRAY asks what is the special today?" Murray had to pop the hatch open so the guy could hear him._

"_Heh heh, I don't know dude, let's take a look at the menu shaaaalll we? There's uhm, a breakfast web wrap. And uh' flies'- if you like those I mean plenty of exotic flavors- du uh huh. There's always the favorite websicles if you want em for dessert or something. For a special drink we have fresh Bloody Mary's and uh grasshopper juice."_

_Murray was getting queasy now, "Uh, THE MURRAY asks if you have a regular burger."_

"_Oh yeah dude, we totally have a- what's it called? Oh yeah, a Spicy Burger, sounds perfect for you," the guy said, "How many of those you want?"_

"_THE MURRAY'S hunger should be satisfied with five," he replied._

"_Very well dude, that'll be 37.50$ You can pull up to the next window._

_Murray pulled up and the one who had taken his order, poked his head out. It was a teenage fox, wearing his worker's hat backwards. When he saw the huge tank (_couldn't forget about that now could we?)_, his eyes got big and he said, "Whoa dude, nice ride."_

"_Thank you citizen," Murray paid the guy, as he was handed the bag, and immediately tore into one of the burgers contained in it. If he felt queasy before, it was double now._

_Meanwhile back inside, the manager asked the young fox, Vick (_boy, imagine the flak he would take if you added 'xen' to that), _"What did you give the customer?"_

"_Oh man, I found some totally awesome looking spice in these crates in the back, and I added it to the burger. Why?"_

"_You idiot! That was the spice Contessa used for hypnotizing people."_

_They were interrupted by a glass shattering guttural roar. They turned to the front and saw Murray in the tank with the gun barrel pointed right towards them._

_Vick's manager face-palmed and said, "You mean to tell me, you gave a guy in a tank, spice that can put people in an uncontrollable rage!" His voice quivered in anger and disbelief._

"_Oh, yeah man, totally awesome ride, huh?" Vick scratched the back of his head, smiling goofily while his manager could only stare._

"_Uh, boss man, you might want to tell everyone to duck," he crawled underneath the counter seconds before Murray drove the tank right through the front of the restaurant. He fired the cannon also while yelling in what sounded like Chinese spoken backwards. _

_In an insane stroke of luck, Carmelita ended up breaking down on the street behind the restaurant, and the round from the tank went right into her engine shutting it down._

"_Murray, good job. Carmelita's stopped in her tracks, go get the Clockwerk eyes," Bentley's nasally voice sounded in Murray's ears. _(Apparently he has a new mic now).

"_Hey Bentley," Murray asked._

"_What is it now Murray?"_

"_They didn't have any waffles."_

_The sound of another bomb exploding was all Murray heard before static. Well, static on Bentley's com and laughter from Sly's._

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><p>Well, now that we seemed to have explained nothing on how a tank actually works, just know it's one heck of a thing to use at a drive thru.<p>

Moving on, let's talk treasure matey- er pirate ships. Every thief loves to steal a pirate ship, Master Sly said it himself. And who wouldn't? You steal from the stealer and make them the stealee? Something like that, either way pirate ships are super useful for some high sea hijinks.

Whenever your ship gets a hole in it with a cannonball (you're definitely going to want to remember this one), WHACK IT WITH YO CANE BROTHA! Because hitting damage magically repairs it, (as we've said before don't ask us how it just does). Fire those cannons hoist the underwear- no wait mainsail. All those pirate sayings, besides, cops don't own pirate ships. They have better things to do (it rhymes with peanuts).

One small note: he who has sea sickness must relieve himself over the ocean water.

Last for this section we have the biplane. Now if you have a fear of heights we wouldn't recommend this one (especially if you got your license out of a cereal box *ahem*). Now we'd like to explain the controls to this one, since they're very VERY complicated. Down is up, up is down, left is right, right is left, up is only up if you reverse it, down is down if you reverse it, but when you reverse it everything goes backwards so down goes back to up and up goes back down.

Got it memorized? Good because we have absolutely no clue how to fly it either. If you can get the dang thing off the runway and into the air, you'll have a ton of fun viewing that giant lady we mentioned earlier- we mean Holland, yes that's what you should be staring at.

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><p><strong>Okay now the important part. First I need to know whether to continue with the vehicles for one more chapter, which I could since there's a ton of vehicle sections (and I haven't even started on that precious van of Murray's) or start on something new. Also I really need you guys to be specific in your reviews. If I was a traveling comedian and I went to a different audience every time, I would rarely have to change my act. Sure I could switch it up a little, but I wouldn't need to if the same jokes were making people laugh every time I performed them. I'm writing humor for the same readers, and each update I'm trying to keep things fresh and not over use what is funny. If you tell me what specific part actually made you laugh out loud, that would help me know: okay slapstick is working, or verbal humor is a strong point, or that I should lay off the sarcastic parenthesis. Tell me what characters in the series you would like to see appear more etc. See what I'm trying to get at? I do apologize for not updating this sooner, but I was in the midst of moving and well, it's stressful. <strong>

**"Tanks" for taking the time to read my note and as usual: read, laugh, review.**


	6. Chapter Three: Vehicles pt2

**A/N: Thank you so much for your feedback on the last chapter guys ;) keep it up! Tell your friends about the story too, with new readers come new ideas. I am so sorry for taking forever to update this, school and other activities really picked up as it's almost the end. But don't you worry, I'm not dead ;)**

**Disclaimer: I ran out of skits for the disclaimer, so I brought you this waffle. *hands you waffle* I don't own the Sly Cooper franchise, but I do own my pants.**

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><p>Let's have a round of applause for the little guys, the ones who have been faithful from or near the beginning. That's right; in this section we will be showcasing the team van. The team van, the Cooper car, the "Murray Mobile" whatever you want to call it. This gas guzzler has been with us from the beginning, but there are some things you should know when dealing with the van.<p>

This van is Murray's baby. That means you better keep your paws off, unless his express permission is bestowed upon a citizen like yourself. By now you might be wondering what exactly would happen if you did touch the van? Well we have one unfortunate who made that mistake so pay attention to his example!

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><p>"<em>Beautiful day for a race isn't it Bentley?" Sly turned to his friend. The gang was in Italy, working to snatch a car whose chasse was made of 24 karat gold. Luckily, Dimitri had quite a few contacts there so they were easily able to set up cover as street racers.<em>

"_Yeah sure, Sly, just focus. You need to concentrate on NOT getting yourself killed," Bentley shook his head._

_The street race event they were at was being hosted by Lamb O. Ghini a rich lamb who was also the owner of the gold car. They were on the outskirts of Rome; there was a fairly large gathering just off a hidden exit on the highway. Imports, exotics, tuners and just about anything else street worthy was parked there. The gang had really no need to hide their van since it fit right in with all the vehicles._

"_Remind me again why Murray isn't driving?" Sly replied, "I mean he drives the van perfectly well."_

"_Sly that's like trying to fit 10 pounds of gold in a five pound bag, Murray just wouldn't be able to handle the car correctly because he'd be too squished to move the steering wheel," Bentley reasoned._

"_Ah, well I see now." Sly shrugged and walked away._

"_Dimitri, have you figured out what our target vehicle is yet?" Bentley turned to the iguana, who was leaning against a ruby red Ferrari._

"_I don't know turtle bro, he didn't spill it. All I know is that the car looks different from all the rest." Dimitri replied._

"_Okay well that means we'd better keep a close eye on-" Bentley gasped, "Where did Murray park the van!"_

"_Main man Murray has it parked close to highway; super-fast exit in case the coppers bust the party," he replied._

"_Well, give me the keys and I'll ask Murray to move it so we're not too obvious," Bentley held out his hand and wheeled over to Dimitri._

"_Suuure," the iguana reached into his pocket to pull out the keys, but they weren't there._

"_Dimitri! Who has the keys?" Panic rose in Bentley's voice._

"_Don't worry about it," he thought for a second, "Murray handed them to you, who handed them to Penelope, who threw them at me, and I put them back in the van so they wouldn't get lost."_

_Bentley could only face palm. But the familiar sound of an engine turning over immediately caused a chill to run down his spine. He wheeled over to see a dark figure inside their van and driving it off on the highway._

_Murray was nearby and went into a rage, "NOBODY STEALS MY BABY!" he ran over to the nearest car, which happened to be a smooth yellow Lamborghini Gallardo and got into the seat with moderate difficulty. What he didn't know was that the owner was standing nearby also and had left his keys in the ignition to talk with someone. The owner also happened to be Lamb O._

_Murray slammed on the throttle and peeled out on the highway in pursuit of the van. Lamb O. screamed, "Hey that's my car!" and ran over to another acquaintance and 'borrowed' his Ferrari Enzo._

_Not to be outdone or outraced, the other drivers got the idea that Murray was getting a head start and hopped into their vehicles. To make matters worse Carmelita showed up on the scene with several squad cars ready to bust the illegal activities._

_So the craziest police chase ensued. The cops chasing after the street racers who were chasing after Lamb O. who was chasing after Murray, who in turn was chasing after the van's mystery thief._

_Carnage followed as they raced through the streets of Rome on both sides of the street. They cut through dark alleyways, marketplaces, short residential areas and past all the tourist locations. Murray was hot on the thief's tail, but the thief knew the streets well so it was difficult for Murray to follow._

_Unfortunately all the fancy maneuvering led the thief right upon a police roadblock. Murray's heart nearly stopped when he realized the driver was going to try and ram through the heavy SUV's making up the blockage._

_The van made it through, causing the cars to have a massive wreck, but it flipped over and rolled on its side. Murray gasped as he passed by the overturned SUV's, causing a pretty large scratch on the car's paint job in the process._

_Skidding to a stop beside the van, Murray jumped out and pulled the dazed driver out through the window. _

"_THE MURRAY does not take kindly to car thieves," he looked at the animal, who appeared to be a weasel of some sort, and scowled, still seething after noticing the dents in the van._

"_Oh, heh, sorry pal, you know I thought this might be the gold car and I was just going to take it to the chop shop-"_

"_Chop…shop? You dare talk about taking MY VAN to the chop shop?" Murray spun the weasel around and flung him as far as he could away from the scene._

"_Freeze criminal, you're under arrest!" Carmelita and several other officers ran up and surrounded Murray, but immediately dove for cover when several other street racing vehicles showed up and surrounded him in a circle. Sly exited one and motioned for Murray to get in, but he shook his head. "I'm not leaving this van, never again," he then lifted the van up and set it on its wheels. Sly watched in disbelief as he started it and stepped on the gas, exiting the scene at breakneck speeds. _

_However, with the keen eye that Sly had, he noticed that underneath the paint job of the scratched Lamborghini was a dull gold. Lamb O. had caught up to the scene and was being hauled away by several officers away from the crash. Before anyone had the chance to approach him, he ran to the car and sped away._

_Carmelita noticed and tried to start a pursuit, but things were hot enough already so she let it go grudgingly._

_Later that day as the gang was making preparations to leave Italy; Bentley was shaking his head at the previous events. "So you had the choice to take the 24 karat gold car, versus our van? And you chose the van?"_

"_THE MURRAY always keeps his promises," the hippo said plainly._

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><p><em><strong>AN: **_**Well, okay I know I didn't cover everything I wanted, but I needed to post something right? I may expand this to a quick third section, but I was really dealing with writer's block for this chapter, I rethought it 3 times. It may take a while to update again, but I'll try not to let it slip past two weeks. I already put my other story on hiatus, so I'm now dedicated to this one lol. Again thank you so much for all your reviews, they mean a lot.**


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